Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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