We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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