No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
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like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
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frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk