Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.