I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
