Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
