i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
