I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
