5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
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wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night