The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me