i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm at about main and main street
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.