I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten