i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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