So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
