remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
