I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
third nipple confirmed
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
