I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
