at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
