Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
