you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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