FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
