I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
