i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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