apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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