what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
