I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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