found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
