so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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