A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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