I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
