The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
