I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
