she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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