I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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