I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
