i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
