i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Are my feet made of real feet?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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