I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
