Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
