I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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