I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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