In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
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I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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