i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
