Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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