You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
God, I missed his penis.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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