I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
