I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
