i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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