question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
