I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
