There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
did i walk over a car last night?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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