I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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