my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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