Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
