sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
