I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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