I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
