I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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