I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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