sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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