I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
