I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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