i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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