Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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