I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
they're like a gay fantastic four
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
