Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
